Poetic Post #2

The Arrogant, Insecure Chef

Happy Tuesday*, folks!

*or Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday or Sunday, depending on when you’re reading this…

If you missed last week’s Poetic Post, you can catch up on it here.

I explained then that I’d be posting a new poem every Tuesday, which is now – so, as an awfully honest author of his word, below is a poem inspired by my many years of hospitality work. Ironically, the majority of the chefs I came across were not at all arrogant or insecure, but exceptionally dedicated, friendly, team-players.

My favourite, Somu, was an absolute gem of a head chef. I’ve never witnessed anyone work as hard as he did, but despite being (I imagine) perpetually exhausted, he remained selfless, kind, and eager to ensure that the staff in the restaurant were well fed and looked after.

If ever Somu happened to be prepping when I wandered ‘out back’ to grab some milk or cocktail ingredients from the huge walk-in fridge, or to investigate whether anything was available to nibble because I was either a) hungry or b) bored or c) slacking off, he’d go out of his way to offer me sustenance, despite the fact that he was normally rushed off his feet and I was normally being a work-shy waste of space.

Very sadly, Somu is no longer with us, but is missed every day by everyone who had the pleasure of knowing him. He was the antithesis of the arrogant, insecure chef, but I like to think he’d have found amusement in my characterisation of one. I hope the poem amuses you too.

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THE ARROGANT, INSECURE CHEF

If you’re looking to dine

On cuisine which is fine,

You won’t do much better than mine.

Please don’t think that I’m rude,

But I have to conclude

I make the most wonderful food.

Among chefs, I’m a gem –

So much better than them.

It’s me who’s the crème de la crème.

Now, I’m not one to boast,

But my cheddar on toast

Is markedly better than most.

My fish fingers with peas

Never ceases to please.

It is, without doubt, the bee’s knees.

I am so highly-skilled,

My bananas, once grilled,

Will leave you astonished and thrilled.

Why’d I take so much pride

In the eggs that I’ve fried?

Because they’re the best that I’ve tried.

You’ll be licking your lips

At my ham, egg and chips.

No wonder chefs beg me for tips!

I don’t need to be humble –

I make the best crumble!

It’s envy that makes others grumble.

I’ve won prizes, you know –

My black forest gateau

Came third on a cookery show!

Okay, yes – since you asked –

Third place was in fact last…

But, believe me, my talent is vast!

As always, thanks for reading. See you next Tuesday, I hope.

Simon x

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