Submissions on Show #3

August 2020 UK Chapter Book Submission

Greetings, all.

It’s a new month, meaning that it’s time to put another of my submissions on show. You can read the previous post here, and a comprehensive introduction to this series here.

Submission #3: August 2020 UK Chapter Book Submission

Most of the ideas I have are for picture books: they’re what comes most naturally to me.

I do, however, occasionally have ideas for longer books, which I enjoy writing: having more words to play with and the extra space to flesh out characters and the plot feels like a luxury when you’re used to working with the restrictions of the picture-book format.

I have less confidence in my longer writing, though; I read far more picture books than chapter, Middle Grade and YA books, so my grasp of the older market and what is and isn’t commercial is much weaker.

Whilst I regularly encounter picture books that I think are brilliant, I must admit that when picking up books for older children, I’m a really tough critic (though I’ve no right to be), especially in the case of funny books – so few of them actually make me laugh, which might be because, being a 36-year-old with a mortgage, creaky knees and terrible posture, I’m not part of these books’ target audience.

But I think it’s also because many of these books rely very heavily on slapstick or toilet humour to carry them – which, again, is perfect for the intended readership, but doesn’t appeal to me – and I like funny writing to be clever, and books to have something for child and adult readers alike.

And, of course, humour, like writing, is very subjective: what appeals to me might be the next 36-year-old-reader-of-books-for-eight-year-olds’ worst nightmare. My sense of humour leans towards the surreal and absurd, and I love a bit of clever wordplay.

Which might explain why I instantly fell in love with Andy Stanton’s Mr Gum books. They might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but they made me LITERALLY laugh out loud, and want to read extracts of them to anyone who’d listen. The writing is silly yet clever, the plots are bizarre yet – somehow – make sense, the characters are random but memorable, and the wordplay is wicked and wonderful.

For me, discovering Mr Gum was equally wonderful: for here was a phenomenally successful series with just my sort of humour, which I felt gave me a licence, and the motivation, to write the sort of texts I’d been wanting to, but hadn’t yet seen elsewhere.

So that’s what I did: I wrote possibly the most random story one could ever imagine, and had the BEST time doing so, writing purely to entertain…

…which might be where I went wrong.

Though I thought it was strong at the time, I can see with hindsight that, despite its strengths, Dr Calamity and The Chocolate Coup didn’t work, and prioritised humour and funny wordplay at the expense of other elements – for instance, plot, and keeping the young reader in mind – to its detriment.

This synopsis will give you an idea of the level of random and bizarre that I went for:

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Dr Calamity and The Chocolate Coup

In the tiny old town of Nippity-Nappity, which is large and very, very modern, the local factory owner has set her sour heart on ruining the residents’ lives. And not just by making horrible pastes like she usually does. Oh, no. Mrs Sweetheart, with the help of her evil ferret sidekick, Donald Johnson, is planning something much, much, much, much, much, much worse: to bring about chocolate’s extinction, and the reign of eternal misery…for eternity!

Will Dr Calamity, recently suspended from his job at St Slitherbonk’s Institution for Incurable and Curious Conditions (SSIICC) for turning a patient into a camel, be able to stop her? Of course! Because – calamities aside – he’s the luckiest, most cheerful man around.

But he’ll inadvertently cause further calamity along the way, won’t he? Like sparking riots after selling the town’s entire supply of chocolate whilst running Coco Beene’s shop in her absence, because she got spat on by a rogue camel and turned into a camel herself, right? You bet he will!

And will there be great hilarity, a shocking twist, an even more shocking twist, a really quite frightfully shocking twist, wise quotes, an appearance from Damian the Easter bunny, and a crazy climax to cap it all off? Maybe. But don’t get your hopes up.

I don’t really know what happened, you see. I wasn’t there. And I can’t just make it up.

This is a non-fiction book.

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That was even worse than you were expecting, wasn’t it?

Anyway, on to the submission itself:

Dr Calamity was sent to 16 publishers.

Of those publishers:

• zero offered

• seven didn’t respond – a 44% silence rate

• and nine sent rejections.

  · 2 responded after 3 weeks

  · 5 responded after 6 weeks

  · 1 responded after 9 weeks

  · 1 responded after 18 weeks

Here’s some of the (paraphrased) feedback:

“There’s some fabulous humour in DOCTOR CALAMITY, but it was hard to follow the thread of the plot from time to time, and I’m afraid I didn't fall in love with it in the way I'd hoped. So it’s a pass from me, but I hope you find it a very happy home.”

“We do so love the tone of this! It is great fun but sadly it just feels a bit too close to what we do wordplay-wise with [another author’s] young fiction. And while I do think the appeal of chocolate is eternal we do also have [a different author’s] series in this same space.

We always think carefully about the authors we take on, making sure they have their own unique space on our list with added room for growth. I’m worried we couldn’t get this away as we wanted to alongside those other competing authors.

But I do love Simon’s writing and if you don’t place this anywhere else I’d love to discuss other ideas he might have. There is plenty of room for funny – we just need a different spin than this unfortunately.”

“The team has discussed this at length. I didn’t completely love the story and felt that it could be tricky to position given the adult main character. However, I thought the rhyming sections were great! I didn’t know his picture books but a couple of other editors did, and they’re big fans. I’m wondering if it’s worth asking him to try something a bit younger, perhaps more in rhyme. Might he be interested in principle to having more of a development chat with us? We’re potentially interested in Simon, if not this submission. I’ll come back to you ASAP to confirm whether or not we’d like to pitch an idea to him.”

‘It was great to read something new from Simon! As always, the story is so inventive and fun, and he has such a quirky sense of humour. However, I felt that the plot and the world needed more development as some parts felt quite confusing. I also struggled to engage with the characters as much as I would have liked. So, while it made me laugh, I'm afraid it's not for us, but I hope you find the right home for Doctor Calamity and the gang.”

“Wow! What a whizzbanger. This swept me up immediately in a frenzy of fantastical characters and breakneck twists and turns! There is much to enjoy here. Having said that, although it’s clear Simon has an incredible imagination, I did find it a little difficult to follow at times. Pulling out the central narrative more clearly without losing the irreverent and effervescent humour might help younger readers. And with the focus centred on two adult characters, it felt a little removed from the child reader: a central child protagonist might give readers a more immediate way into the story.

After some discussion, then, I’m sorry to say that I won’t be taking this forwards, but if Simon does write anything else, I’d be really interested in having a read, as I do think he’s got a real flair for humour.”

“I loved the anarchy of this and could absolutely see Mr Gum among its influences, but I'm afraid it's not for us. Not everybody in the wider team loved it equally, so we wouldn't be the right publisher. We really do need that wholehearted enthusiasm across the board to launch something strongly, particularly at this younger age group, which can be even more challenging to establish with the necessary speed and momentum. Sorry to disappoint. We’re very aware of Simon's work and would have loved to work with him, but unfortunately this wasn't the right fit.”

“This truly is zany and very silly in the best way! But we’ve tried launching a series with this kind of humour and although it was well-received, it didn't quite find its feet in a competitive market”

“This sounds great but we do already have a similarly-themed title (unbelievably!). It sells very well so this is bound to be successful too!”

“I'm sorry - I'm not taking anything on right now - but thanks for sending, and I do hope that things improve for us all very soon.”

So, to summarise: 1 text, 16 publishers, 9 rejections, 7 silences and 0 offers.

A disappointing return, but given the problems with this text, I found the feedback surprisingly encouraging, and was pleased that the text’s humour went down well.

Much of the feedback is also very constructive, and proved really helpful to have when recycling this text into something much stronger, which also went out on submission (as you’ll see later in this series).

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